Anecdotes: The Antidote for Boredom
Welcome to the Dandy Zone. This page will make you laugh... It will make you cry... But only if someone is beating you to a bloody pulp while administering laughing gas. Otherwise there are no guarantees...
This anecdote is a second hand account, but my source for this one is pretty reliable so I'm posting it. One of my friends knew a guy from his Computer Science classes at college that was totally clueless in Computer stuff. We'll refer to this guy as Mr. Dose because he once asked "What's this DOSE thing I keep reading about?". He was referring to the DOS operating system! Anyway, Mr. Dose was in a C++ class with my friend, and they were discussing the difficulty of the class. Mr. Dose was flunking the class and said with total seriousness, "Yeah, C++ sure is hard... I'd hate to see what Z++ is like!". Needless to say, much laughter has ensued from the telling of this tale.
A while back I was dining with some friends at the Olive Garden, a place which serves only Italian food. Anyway, they serve you as much bread and salad as you want, and when the waiter asked us if we wanted dressing, one of my companions replied, "Yes, French please". You should have seen the look on the waiter's face when he said "We only serve Italian!". Silent laughter ensued in my mind!
Back when I was a senior in High School, I used to play basketball every day after school in our neighbor's back yard. Our neighbor was an elderly lady who had a full basketball court in her back yard! It was made for her grandson, but he rarely used it. Anyhow, a friend and I were back there playing, and we were trying to dunk the ball. She was walking around the corner as I did a backwards alley-oop dunk (I must admit, the rim was 6 inches lower than regulation). I think that a white boy dunking like that surprised her, and she exclaimed "You must think you're Michael Jackson!". Big time laughter ensued!
What Do I Say?
I recently went to a Christmas program at church, and the program involved the choir, the youth, and the children. Some children were each getting up on stage and saying things like "For unto you is born this day..." along with other well known Christmas related Bible stuff. One little boy got up to say his part. As everyone listened quietly for his words, he blurted out "What do I say?". Massive laughter ensued.
Have you ever seen the movie "Weird Science"? Well, when I was an innocent young'un, I was over at my cousin's house, and that movie was on TV. I think it was on video tape. Anyhow, there was a scene where a bunch of guys were wearing female lingerie (bras to be exact) on their heads. Puzzled by this scene, I proceeded to ask "Why are they wearing those funny hats?". Wild laughter ensued!
As some of you probably know, I ran cross country for Wingate University when I was an undergraduate there. There was a school called Phifer College that was comparable in size to Wingate that we would often see at the meets. I remember a runner from Phifer named Jeff McCallum. He looked like a stereotypical nerd, but his swiftness was greater than one would guess by looking at him. When I was a sophomore, we had a race in Greensboro, and Jeff was there. At the time I had no clue who he was, but I noticed him catching me in the last half of the 5-mile race. As we rounded the final corner, he blew past me. Not one to give up easily, I took off after him. It was a sprint to the finish with about 100 Meters left. I utterly destroyed him in that sprint! After the race I thought to myself "that'll teach him not to try and outsprint me". The next week we met Phifer again, and I could see that Jeff was determined to beat me this time. In this race, he was wise and charged ahead of me with a whole mile to go. However, I was able to stay within about 30 feet of him up until the last 100 Meters. I wasn't going to let him break me. With about 50 Meters left, I took off in a mad sprint and wasted everyone in the pack around me including Jeff. I had beaten him again! YES!!! I walked over to him after the finish and said "Good run" as I held my hand out. He wouldn't even look at me... For the rest of the season I don't remember Jeff ever being remotely near me at the finish. I wonder why? Heh Heh.
Two years later, I was in my senior year, and we had a meet at Phifer! Jeff wasn't there anymore, but little did I know that he had recruited someone else to avenge his losses. Here I am with about half a mile left in the race, and I see a Phifer guy ahead moving slowly. I figured that he was dying out so I surged past him. He stayed close behind me until the final 100 Meters. Sound familiar? Anyway, I suddenly hear pounding footsteps behind me as this guy blows by me at incredible speed! He wasn't dying when I passed him... He was just saving up energy for the end! He was then about 10 feet in front of me, and I had to make a split second decision. Do I let him go and avoid embarrassment or do I try to make up 10 feet (only about 60 meters left) on a blurry fast sprinter who saved up energy intentionally? Well, being the cocky runner that I am, I said to myself "You are going to beat him" so I took off after him. I managed to pull even with him with 20 feet left, and with one last grunt I pulled ahead and beat him by about 3 feet! This guy just hung his head in shame! That was the greatest finish I ever had, and I still remember how excited the spectators became the moment I decided to go for it. Everyone there was watching that sprint and cheering. It was awesome! It feels so good to be so good...
This one is slightly vulgar, but it's still funny.
Someone I know was working on some kind of building project, and he started to run out of caulk. He decided to go to the store and get some, and as he was getting ready to leave he was asked why he was going to the store. He replied "I don't have enough caulk". Laughter ensued!
There are many branches of the University of North Carolina in different cities here in NC. Someone that I know (kept anonymous for reasons soon to be known) was visiting, and asked the question "Where is UNC Charlotte anyway?". Tremendous laughter ensued.
I used to work at a grocery store, and this store had the auto-opening doors that opened when you stepped near them. There were "in" doors and "out" doors. One day as I was scanning a bag of grits (you know what region of the US I live in), I noticed an unkempt man standing outside of the store at the "out" door. This man had on dirty clothes, his pockets were inside out, his hat was on crooked, and he was walking funny. I noticed him scratching his head as he stood at the "out" door. It was obvious that he wanted to get into the store. Since I am such a nice guy I stepped over to the door to let him in even though the "in" door was perfectly operational. He stepped in and looked both ways frantically. He then said to me "Where da wine?" with a big smile on his face:-)
One day my friend, his pseudo-girlfriend, and I decided to go see The Empire Strikes Back Special Edition at the movies. On the way there, I noticed some Planter's Peanuts in the back seat of his car so I decided to help myself to a few. My friend asked me something, and I tried to talk at the same time as I swallowed so I started to choke a little. After a few seconds of gagging I wanted to at least say something rather than be rude and not respond so I said "I have peanuts in my throat". Immediately after those words left my mouth I cringed because I realized what it sounded like. Hellacious laughter ensued!
I used to work in the computer lab at Wingate University before I graduated. I was sitting in the captain's chair (the nice swivel chair with wheels, cushions, and a shock absorber) because I am DA MAN! Anyhow, I was just surfing the net when a young woman walked into the computer lab. She looked around as if she were scanning for potential terrorists and said "A secret government official is going to come in here and use the internet. When he comes let him use my password". Somehow I managed to keep a straight face and said "OK" as I nodded to assure her that I understood. As she walked out she said "He should be here in within the next hour". As soon as she was gone I looked at the other lab assistant and unbridled laughter ensued.
Just for your information, about 30 minutes later a man in a suit came in. He was wearing sunglasses and he had one of those ear radio things that Secret Service guys have. He looked around cautiously and left without saying a word. I stayed there until closing even though I was scheduled to leave 2.5 hours prior. No secret government person ever showed up after that. It's a good thing too because I didn't know that young lady's password!
A while back I was visiting some relatives, and we all went to church together one Sunday. Although the church wasn't my denomination (I'm a Baptist), things seemed to be going well until the welcome. In case you are not familiar with "the welcome", it is a few minutes set aside where people get up and welcome each other. Anyhow, a gentleman walked up to me and shook my hand. As he let go of my hand he said something which completely stunned me. He said "I'm an ALIEN!". Too shocked to laugh, I just stood there, flabbergasted by what I heard. He then sat down and started talking to himself unintelligibly. Apparently he was communicating with fellow aliens somehow. After he left I regained my composure, and my cousin said to me "That guy's screwed in the head". Muffled laughter ensued.
This story is a second hand account, but you can rest assured that it is true. A group of women were having a discussion, and somehow they got on the subject of a certain man who is known for being underhanded. Anyhow, as they went about developing their conversation about this man, one young woman (a blonde) said "He's backhanded"! I wasn't there, but I am sure that riotous laughter ensued.
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