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Eugene's epic tale of Bionic Commando

I'll tell you about the person I met when I was young...

I'll talk about the person I met when I was young... His name was Bionic Joe. The way I had interpreted the story was at the part at the beginning where they send Super Joe out and he mysteriously fades out of the picture. That was Commando 1. Super Joe failed his mission in Commando and got captured. So since our hero didn't have a name.. I named him Bionic Joe.

That was in 1988. I had finally beaten the old classics, and was getting bored of them. Zelda's two quests I defeated without picking up heart containers, without upgrading swords or armor, and without dying once. Mega man 2 was no challenge for me anymore, I could easily run through the game with just my pee shooter and the devices when they were needed. I beat Contra without the thirty-man code and without continuing once. Every game was entirely too easy for me, (except for that damn Mario series, to this day I have only beaten Super Mario World.) Strider was nothing but timing and patterns. I actually crashed my Pac-Man game (made by Tengen) After level 255 it doesn't know how to count any higher and fades to black, or just cause it was Nintendo and Nintendo did that a lot.

The Legend of Zelda He beat this without continuing

Along came Bionic Commando. I took one look at it and thought "Ha this will be easy as pie". Then I died like a bitch in Area one. My brother explained to me that the a button would not make "Bionic Joe" jump. Instead his arm would do magical things. So a few hours later I got the hang of it.

The first time I ran through the game I always communicated, wire tapped, and I got up to eight hit points in area one. (mainly because of the abundance of the Paratroopers.) I noticed the Nazi references early. Even though those bastards at Nintendo censored them out, I can SWEAR I saw a swastika in the American version, I think it was on one of the flags in the background... Acquiring the rocket launcher made the game entirely too easy. You didn't even have to kill the bosses, just shoot the reactor with the rocket launcher and they would automatically die. I zipped through area six only losing two lives. The rest of the game was simple with a few difficult spots.. Area 7 and Area 11 (The one directly south of 12). Those damn jumps are so hard to do.. I mean arm swing thingies. Not jumps. Yeah. So I got Joe's gun and noticed that it sucked. Why did he recommend that I use it? I have a perfectly good rocket launcher. Well like I said, I thought that this game was actually Commando 2 so naturally I thought of it from his perspective. So his gun is really effective in the overhead view sections (like in Commando).

Area 11
The dreaded Area 11...

The story in this game was awesome! It had me on the edge of my seat. After I killed Hitler that first time my cat came by and decided he wanted to sleep on my NES, and you know how the NES has problems when you're playing a game and a speck of dust falls on it, it will knock the cartidge out of alignment and you have to start over.

So I was really pissed that this cart did not have a password... You have to beat it in a single sitting. I was also pissed by the dumb sounding explosions.. You know when you blow up the reactor... pa pow pa pow puh. (the five tonal thing going.. that was gay)

Pa pow pa pow puh...

Click to listen

Anyway I decided to run through the game again using only the pee gun and the crappiest gear in the inventory.. (flares, cross, communicator, pee gun) Except I used the medicine once, on the level where you need flares. I also used the 3 way flame thrower in that level where you needit to break that wall. Now the game was hard!!! Hard as hell! I miraculousy made it back to Hitler again. And I killed him! I killed him in the first shot! Yay I'm bout to win I thought. But then I had to get out of the base in time... So I climbed to the top and some asswipe told me it was too easy to feel safe and that he'd kill me here. So I avoided him and got out with 2 seconds left and.. What does that moron Bionic Joe do? he runs back inside to get Super Joe. Damn you!, after all my work you can run back in and save Joe in 2 seconds??? What was he tying his shoe at the doorway? The ending was good and I awaited the sequel... Which never happened. I did have a gameboy.. but it got stolen and the last game I played on that was Mario Golf I believe.

Years later upon the announcement of Marvel vs. Capcom I thought.. who could possibly be in it.. Hiryu of course, Mega-Man, Ryu, Ken, Akuma... (which happened to be RyuKenAkuma), I wanted to see more.. like Arthur, or Bionic Commando (I stopped calling him Bionic Joe once I learned that his name was Rad Spencer.. but that still sounds dumb). So they put in Captain Commando and some weird guy named Jin and not Bionic Commando? WTF? Captain Commando was in one game, self titled that only saw action in the arcade! Jin was a guy who liked to get naked. I had never seen him before. But Bionic Commando was in THE game. Therefore he should take precedence. Then there would be three guys who shared names. Captain America, Captain Commando, Bionic Commando... mix and match and you get... Bionic American, American Commando, Captain Bionic etc...

Nazi junk in the Japanese ver

And now I tried out the Japanese version of the game. I initially thought it was harder, but it wasn't.. I was just not used to the keyboard. I needed my Nes controller. The Japanese version of the game is actually much easier in some places... i.e. Area 1 has a one up in the beginning, area 6 had moving platforms.. (and I did see the shooting star you swore to). It's much much harder in others. Like the level with the moving carts, that has more spikes. But I was glad to see the swastikas and Hitler being called Hitler in this one.

Don't be hasty, advance with caution!

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